Joy

JOY

Something I have been hearing a lot over the last couple of years is, “do things that bring you joy”. Such a simple idea, but for some of us it can be a bit difficult road to navigate. Doing things that bring me joy might be hard because I live such a busy life, or for others, maybe the thing that brings them joy seems out of reach for them because of financial reasons, or maybe its time, or it could even be that they don’t have the confidence yet, or maybe we don’t know what brings us joy. Whatever the reason is, I know that I can say that 100%, if you find that thing, it will change your life.

For me, it has been so hard to find the time and the motivation to do those joyful things that are special and just for me. Of course spending time with my family brings me joy, and I am so grateful for those moments, but finding the time to do the things that are just for me is really hard these days. Having a new baby, a preschooler, and a teenager is busy in itself, add in working full time and a few side hustles and its no wonder that I am so tired at the end of the day. So for me it has been hard to work those things into my day, since I rarely have any time for myself. I have found that photography has been a great way for me to explore my creative itch. It is quick and satisfies a lot of my joys. I get to be outdoors, around new people, babies, animals, or just me and nature. I also get to exercise my creative muscles by deciding on the compositions of my subject, and the editing process flexes those muscles as well. I do miss painting, but because that requires so much time for set up and clean up, I don’t find time for that as often. However, in the fall I will be offering a meditation and intuitive painting class that will be AMAZING! So keep an eye out for that class coming September 20th. Art brings me joy, nature brings me joy and balance, music and dance feed my soul, and traveling opens doors of expansion.

In order to attract more of those things in my life, I have to say “no” to the things that block that from happening. I find that because I tend to overload my plate, I am often too tired or unmotivated to do anything, but this is the best time to push myself because if I fill my cup, I will have the energy I need. I admit, I get stuck in the couch sometimes, I turn into a big giant potato and binge watch an entire series sometimes while I am doing my work or playing with the kiddos, not my finest moments but I am all about transparency and this is my fault. I get lazy, and when I do everything seems to crumble around me. My house isn’t staying clean, it gets cluttered ( a reflection, I am sure), there seems to be a lot of anxiety that develops around all of the things I need to do, but can’t motivate myself to do, and I start getting moody. MOODY. So I need to start saying NO to the couch, I know that everyone needs downtime, and I give myself grace in knowing that maybe rest is just what my body needs, but I don’t like getting stuck there. Motivation is a huge block for me, I find that I often give up really easily when my motivation isn’t strong, and these are the times that I do my best to start small, maybe with meditating, drinking more water, getting the rest I need in a healthy way, or going on short walks to get me moving. The little actions start to add up and more and more I find that motivation, or the energy I need to accomplish something on my list. I have been dancing as a form of meditation lately, it helps my little baby with his colic and puts him to sleep, but it also gets my preschooler up and moving around freely as a way of expression. Dancing has been a complete release for me lately. I find that after I dance, I feel more confident about my body, and I feel love for my whole being, this makes going about my day so much more joyful. Practicing self love is a great way to finding your authentic self, and your joy.

I wanted to take a moment to talk about blocks here, because self sabotage is a real thing and if we allow our blocks to control us then its going to be more difficult to navigate. These blocks can be about money, about confidence, or whatever trauma happened that prevents you from getting out and doing things that make you happy. I am not a therapist, so I can only speak from personal experience here, but I will say that when you give those blocks the attention that they need in order to heal, and are able to release them, everything becomes so much easier. As you pay attention to gratitude for the abundance in your life, suddenly your bank account has enough to put away for a vacation, or a new camera, whatever it may be for you. When you bring awareness to self love and self respect, your confidence rises, and your light and energy shine. Filling yourself with light will not hurt, I promise!! We will talk more about personal blocks another day, but for now, this is a very basic explanation. Release and expand.

By doing the things that spark joy, you will be allowing for your cup to refill, filling it with self love, and respect. In allowing yourself to have those experiences and times that make you happy, you are allowing your stress to melt away, and release. You are allowing your soul to be revived. Starting small with finding ways to incorporate it into a daily routine, or maybe saying yes to more things that are outside of your comfort zone will help to get you started on your joyful path.

Why "Just Let It Go" is bullshit

WHY "JUST LET IT GO" IS BULLSHIT

Let it Go….What a bullshit thing to say to someone. It makes the person feel like their emotions or feelings are invalid or not important or misunderstood. Telling someone to just “let it go” is the equivalent to saying, “meh, I don’t really care what you are holding onto right now, it makes me uncomfortable to listen to your story so I am going to shut you down and move on to something else.” There is an entire movie focused around that song, “Let it GO”. Great, now it is stuck in my head again.

“you just need to let that go, and you will be happy”

It is not that easy. It is not like you can say-well folks I am over it now! I can be happy! Wouldn’t that be nice though?  Sure, I would love to just be done with it (insert trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, experience….) but it is not reality. I have found that through my healing process, letting things go is the hardest work I have ever done.

I found myself in a terrible situation a few years ago when my father passed. It was no secret that his parenting could have used some serious improvement, he ended up being a good guy, but I lived through a lot of trauma and heartbreak that led me to disassociate with my past, but problems would always come up, or I would be fearful, or I would fill myself up with food, alcohol or drugs to detach from those feelings. I went through years of trying to get over my childhood. Then, when he passed a few years ago, all my trauma came flooding back to me. It sent me into a spiral of depression, panic, anxiety, and grief. When I would try to talk to people about what was going on with me, they would tell me to, “let it go”. Ok great, well how do I do that? No one had an answer for me. I was genuinely curious about this, and that is what led me to start truly healing myself.

I realized a lot of my patterns, the way I would react to people, the way I could hide and lie to myself, the way I pushed things under the rug, or pushed things down with disassociation and avoidance. I was really good at all of that. Waking all of that up, and having those realizations filled me with anger, anguish and sorrow, deep sorrow. I went into a spiral and one day found myself bawling in a pitch-black closet curled up in the corner crying to spirit, “why was this the life that I chose?” I felt that no one understood me, I felt very alone, and I was suicidal. I had a family, at the time I had my 2 boys, one who was still a baby, and the other was around 10 years old, they needed me. So I wiped the tears from my swollen eyes, and stared at myself in the mirror. Still angry, and sorrowful, but now I was determined to “let it go” for them. The more I tried to push it away, the more those anxiety attacks would happen. This was obviously not working for me anymore.

I decided to work on things, to let the emotions and feelings come up for me. To feel those things deeply, remembering the memory, and sitting with that lonely little girl. I allowed myself to really feel, letting it all come out of me, releasing the suppressed memories, embracing them, and then sending myself unconditional love. I wanted to just understand and be ok with what happened. Then something amazing happened; I started to see my father as a child. I saw him and how he was treated, how his family was living, and I finally was able to see why he was the way he was with me. This led me to forgiveness and unconditional love. I decided to love my father unconditionally, for all his faults and his greatness. For the first time in my life, I felt true peace.

My work wasn’t over. I still had a lot of work ahead of me, but this was a great start. Forgiveness can mean the world to us, it really isn’t about the other person, it is about forgiving what we have felt and held in. Forgiving someone releases it from being your burden to carry. It is not our purpose to be lugging around other people’s baggage, we have our own to carry. What happened to me, wasn’t his fault, I mean in a way it was, he had the choice to treat me how he did, but he didn’t have the knowledge that this was because of his conditioning. It was my choice to hold onto it and create my narrative from it, and it was also my choice to release it.

I shed all of this, or at least another layer of it. I released the man that I had created in my mind and looked at him as though he were a child, or my own son, with unconditional love. This was what started to heal the cracks in my heart. Loving him completely and without judgement. It filled my heart and started to fill my soul with light. I started to improve the relationships with the people in my life, and released some that were not healthy. I recognized my own faults and started to see myself more clear, recognizing when I would lean into my old habits and patterns, and quickly making changes, and improvements in how I dealt with pain or trauma in my life. I wanted to be free of that, it wasn’t me anymore, it wasn’t my story anymore. Some would say that your past made you who you are, sure, it gave me the lessons I needed in order to be in the place that I am, but I have learned those lessons, and now I am ready to write my own story.

I remember the moment when I released everything. I was driving home from somewhere and I was on the interstate. I had my boys in the back, and I pulled onto the exit ramp. I was overcome with a sense of joy, and I said out loud, “huh, I don’t need that anymore.” And as I sat at the light waiting for my turn to go, I just filled with this energy, this loving and pure energy. It filled my whole body and it was exciting. I was now on my way to writing my own story, starting at that moment. I was free. I let that shit go and released it without a thought.

Now maybe some people have the ability to just let things roll off their shoulders without a second look, maybe this is because they have great confidence, or because they trust in their own emotions? I can’t really speak for those types of people, other than, I wish I was more like that, sometimes. I am a deeply feeling person, I am an empath and I feel everything with every cell of my body, so sometimes things get stuck. It’s a gift and a burden, especially as a lightworker and bodyworker. I have found many different techniques to deflect others projections, and others energy: maybe that is another story I could tell. So, it takes time for me to understand what is feeling heavy, maybe it isn’t even mine?!

“Letting go” might not be the best thing to say to someone. Forgiveness, Unconditional Love, and Release. Or, “I hear you, and see you, your feelings are valid, and I am here for you”. These are definitely more supportive ways to acknowledge someone’s pain. It is not as easy as some would make it seem, it takes work, it takes depth and understanding.

Since releasing my past, I have really come to be in agreement with this idea that we do not have to live in our old stories. We don’t have to be weighed down by the choices or actions of others, it is up to us to decide if we are going to absorb it and live in it, or if we are going to say, well that’s not really my problem, it was theirs. Sometimes during sessions people will have an emotion come up, and they will not have the words to express it, so what I have often told them, is to just breathe into it, ride the wave. You don’t have to attach a memory or a thought to it, it really can just be an emotion that we feel and name. We don’t have to let it move in, we can acknowledge that it was something that needed to be released and leave it at that. We can move on to being the person we want to be. Living without emotional pain, or trauma. Just being our loving and light selves, moving through life having the confidence and freedom to express ourselves when it counts, to being able to create a life that is fulfilling and joyful. What do you want your life to look like? What choices will you make to create change and movement in your life? Are you ready to move forward and write your own story? Maybe there is fear around releasing our past because we are afraid that we don’t know a life without it? I know I felt that once or twice, or a thousand times. It is uncharted territory because the story hasn’t been written. So being present, allowing ourselves to fit into our bodies and feel unconditional love for every moment that we are in this existence is profound. We don’t have to have the answers to our future, life happens and paths change, but we are here now. We are here existing and breathing. I for one, would much rather be living my life according to my own rules and my own theme.

Im done fat shaming myself

I'M DONE FAT SHAMING MYSELF

This notion that I have about being beautiful needs to change. I have spent too much time grieving over a body that I will never have and have spent too much time worrying if others like me, simply based on my appearance. It seems so shallow when I speak this out loud, “I am sad because I hate the way my body looks”. When really, what I am trying to say is, “I am really unhappy with how I am being treated by others and how I am letting that affect me”.

I am someone who always tries to look at all the sides of a problem, always staying objective to people to come up with a balanced opinion. I just chose not to do that with myself.  I chose to beat myself up over my looks, thinking that was the reason for all my problems. Never mind the years of trauma based around my looks as an obese child, or why I was gaining weight at 9 years old. Or overlooking the fact that I stuffed my face with marshmallow cream (not enough for mom to notice because it always leveled out) or spoonful’s of sugar on my cereal. How about a neglectful, absent, addict father, and a mother who thought that looks and sex were the only way to attract a man, (which is not their fault, that was how they were raised). Or how growing up, I was wearing my mother’s clothes in 4th grade? Or being told by people that I have, “such a pretty face, or maybe you’re just big boned?” Obviously, all that shit is…well…bullshit. It is not my story anymore. I set that shit free and released it into the ocean like “Free Willy”.

I have allowed my insecurities ruin almost all my romantic relationships. If a guy didn’t like me back, or maybe just used me for a one-night stand, or maybe intimacy went out the window, or I rejected touch, all of those things were because I thought it was my body or my looks that they didn’t like.

Today I snapped the fuck out of that bullshit story. My body carries me through life, it is my connection from the spiritual world into this physical world, where I created, birthed, and raised tiny humans into men. Where I connect with strangers and hug my friends. Into this plane of existence where I am able to sing and dance, and frolic in the fucking woods tripping on a head full of psychedelics while hugging trees and apologizing to the grass for stepping on it. That body is housing an incredible, loving spirit. How dare I bash it so harshly?!  

NOT TODAY, SON! I know I have a lot of issues to work on when it comes to fully loving my body and gaining confidence. I haven’t trusted my body in a long time, and I was pretty mean to her, so its going to take some time for that relationship to repair. Layer by layer I will peel back the layers of luggage I have been carrying around, and I will learn to trust and love it for all that it is. I will learn to treat her better, to have discussions about what it is that she needs to thrive, what foods she needs, what movement she needs, and to care for her. It isn’t about what other people see me as anymore. I want to feel beautiful and confident. I want my outside to reflect what I am on the inside. I am pure fucking love, you really can’t get anymore beautiful than that.

I still have my darkness, my shadow self, full of frustration, anger, loneliness, and fear. The thing is, I need to love that too. Loving ourselves unconditionally truly means loving all of the parts of ourselves, the darkness and the light.

I am not going to continue going through life fearful of showing my arms, or if my belly rolls are showing. I am too tired of fighting with society, trying to wear the right close for my body type so that I don’t offend people around me. I conformed and lost myself just trying to blend in more. I used to wear pink pants and a care bear shirt—now, that’s some colorful confidence. I used to wear my hair in space buns and have thigh high striped socks on at work...I mean sure I looked batty as hell, but I was having fun!!! When was the last time you just had fun with your clothes? Really just let your self-expression shine through in your outfit. Not worrying if something is in fashion, or if you will fit in, but putting something on your body and feeling joy wearing it?

Being confident in our bodies is knowing that we are not confined by it. We trust our bodies completely and surrender to it. We love all of the flaws unconditionally, because this body is here as a connection to life on this planet. So I am re-writing that story about my intimacy issues, or my parents and their shit they put onto me, I am definitely not going to blame it on my body anymore. This is on me; I am an adult and can choose how I live…I get to choose how I feel about my body. Its not going to be hatred anymore, I can tell you that much.

Don't glaze over the darkness, embrace it.

DON'T GLAZE OVER THE DARKNESS, EMBRACE IT.

We are being called to look deep within ourselves. Spiritual growth can help to remedy many of our ailments, individually and socially. Spirituality cultivates self-development that aligns with our highest good. It works toward peace, justice and to ease the planets suffering.

To create a more just and enlightened world, we need to see our blind spots and our shadows. We must resist the urge to glaze over and spiritually bypass these unresolved emotions and traumas, and instead learn to embrace and face head on.

Using meditation and reflection I have traveled to these darks spaces and seen myself in all its darkness and light. I see it as a reflection of nature, to see the beauty in the imperfections that we have within ourselves, because nature in all its imperfections is also completely perfect. Our darkness and shadows deserve space to exist, they have been cramped in the corners and hidden behind walls, trapped and scared to show themselves. I say let them have their moment. When those undesirable emotions start to rise, take notice of them in a healthy way rather than stuffing them down deeper. Beyond those emotions hides something even deeper and through that pain and suffering there is something that just desires to be seen and acknowledged.

Through unconditional love, we can let the anger, fear, resentment, judgement, shame, etc.…have their space. We can let those feelings rise and examine the space that they hold within us, is this something that isn’t even ours, someone else’s projections? Is there a scared little you hiding behind the rage? Look into those spaces that exist within you and use breath to expand that space, let it dissolve the weight and the walls around your pain. These parts of you are beautiful and deserve to be let free.

Using meditation, music, art, nature, creativity, movement, guided breath, plants, community, and acts of love can help restore these spaces into a place of peace and harmony. As we reflect on our own existence, we can also start to make changes in how we react to the world around us. Connecting to our ancestral lineage can also help us to work on healing those past life wounds that we may have carried forward into this life. These are tools to help you to discover those dark spaces, not to avoid them, so let them rise to the surface, see them with compassion, and grace, and allow it to escape.

There may be memories attached to these emotions as they come forward, take a moment to acknowledge it, but it doesn’t need to stay, it has served its purpose and now it is coming forward to be released. We don’t always have to unpack every emotion that comes up for us. Some are important enough to see it through and get to the root, some are just things that aren’t really that significant, but we held onto anyway. You will use discernment in these situations, deciding what is surface, and what needs to go deeper. I find that if I let it come up, I visualize putting a stamp on it and sending it off, thanking it for the lessons it has given me, and surrounding it with love and understanding, and maybe some forgiveness too.

I use many tools in my work to help guide you through these heavy emotions, using hypnosis techniques, Reiki to help clear the residue and fill the void with light, Sound Healing to help integrate and smooth out the energy field, Acupressure and Reflexology to help the physical energy rest and soften, and Empowerment Coaching and Photography to help you see yourself in a new way. These tools that I have learned can help you unlock your full potential and help you to soar. I have been through my darkness, and I still have layers to work through, but I have seen the other side and it is gorgeous.

Where I began my spiritual journey

WHERE I BEGAN MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

People have different reasons for their desire to heal. Mine originally came from a place of my body being in chronic pain, I was depressed, lonely, stuck, and I hated how I looked, really-I hated myself. I wanted to shove down the trauma I grew up with, hold it in, be silent so I didn’t upset anyone, take on the burdens and carry the load so others don’t have to suffer…It made me bitter, and angry, and there was a rage monster that would show its face sometimes too.

Up front I was kind and generous, I was enjoyable to be around because I was always high and wasn’t feeling anything. But under it all, I was screaming. I hid from all the pain I felt and shoved it aside because I didn’t know how to deal with it. My lessons growing up were to sweep it under the rug, don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say, be polite, smile, be kind, be positive, don’t worry, drown yourself in a bottle, fuck and fight and go all night. I learned these behaviors very early on, and they stayed with me, and ate away at my soul.

Eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore and I needed to get better for my son, at the time I was a single mom, and I wasn’t doing a very good job at keeping it together. I was on the struggle bus using alcohol, weed, cocaine, psychedelics, ect….to numb myself. I looked in the mirror one day and did not like what I saw. I wasn’t even in there; it was just an empty shell. I decided right then and there to make some shifts.

I got my massage license and going through school was a huge wakeup call for me. I let go of a lot during that year of body work and energy work, but there was something I was missing. A few years after I became a massage therapist I was at the metaphysical fair with my mom. I saw a woman who didn’t have anyone at her booth and bought my mom a session, I had never experienced it before and thought, well let’s have mom try it first, then I will. I sat and talked with Lori and set up time for my own healing. This set me in motion for the deep healing I was going to experience for the next few years.

That was the beginning of my spiritual awakening. I was called to train in Reiki myself, and I began daily practices with self-reiki. The lightness I felt after I had shed those first layers was life changing, I knew there was something to what my family called, “woowoo”. This was real, and it was unlocking the deep dark corners of my psyche. I was more comfortable letting myself feel the trauma, feel into why I was so angry, and I started to heal and fill those cracks that were left in my heart.

Reiki was the beginning, but certainly not the end. I let go of the drinking, let go of the hard drugs, I started experiencing life sober, which was hard when I performed at bars every weekend and had drugs handed to me left and right. I knew that I needed to become whole again so that I could be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister, and wife, but mostly, a better version of me-for me. It was time I loved myself, and the frequency of love helped heal that emptiness I felt for so long.

Life gets heavy, and I have carried the weight of it all for far too long. I release my pain, I release the weight, I release my breath.

Who is Melodie?

WHO IS MELODIE

I have a lot of new followers so I thought I would introduce myself! I often get stopped in my tracks when someone asks me to tell them about myself, I find it uncomfortable because I spend so much time observing the world that I don’t always observe myself in a way that I can answer that easily.

I am complex, with a lot of layers. I am someone who grew up with a high level of trauma, abandonment, emotional and verbal abuse, eating disorders from a young age, SA, poverty, drug and alcohol addiction…and that is just the early childhood stuff. Teenage years and on were probably worse.

I grew up in a way that you might only see in a very sad tragic movie, and that is what led me to the life I am living now. I grew up with so much pain, and emotional trauma that when I took my first class in massage school, I knew this was going to be powerful. I wanted to help people unlock their trauma. That first class I took was called Rebalancing and Pulsing. Its like taking all the little bubbles of trauma and pain and bringing them to the surface like champagne. I had never been in my body so much, never had any release other than when I was loaded. I immediately signed up for more classes, diving into the somatic responses of the mind and body and how we can oversee our own healing. No one was going to rescue me as I had hoped, it was up to me, and it was going to be my mission to help others.

Now almost 20 years later, I have quite the toolbox. Through continued education, experience, and my own healing, I have really developed an understanding of how people hold onto their stories and their pain. I still have a hard time explaining to people who I am without telling them what I do, because what I do is such a huge part of me. But I am complex. I have at least 10 novels in my head of my own story and in a quick moment I can’t really summarize all of it. I am a mother of 3 boys and a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend, a lover of nature and animals, I am a singer, a musician, I write poetry, short stories and I have been working on a novel for what seems like forever. I paint, sketch, craft, I can watch anyone do something once and I will know how to do it. I am intuitive, a guide into your healing, I am an observer, a chronic overthinker, I have ADHD, I am empathic, I struggle with anxiety and depression, I still struggle with my eating disorder, and my addictions. I am fun, I love to laugh, I am expressive, and honest. I have integrity in everything that I do, and I know people.

I am someone who has gone through the fires, the shadows, the hurricane of my soul, and I have come out the other side to tell the story. I have been healing myself repeatedly for years, and every time I think I am good, another layer shows its face, but I know what to do, I know how to process it, how to release. I have learned tools for myself, and I use them, and now I share them with you. I am here for you, to create and hold space for you, a safe place to share your story and to be seen without judgement. I am someone who can sit in silence with you, or share laughter and tears, you are never alone when you are with me.

There is no short answer for me when asked to explain who I am.  I am love, I am light, I am on a spinning rock that is flying through space. I am Melodie, nice to meet you.

Integration

INTEGRATION

Wellness is the complete integration of body, mind, and spirit - the realization that everything we do, think, feel, and believe has an effect on our state of well-being.

Integration by definition is the coordination of processes in the nervous system, including diverse sensory information and motor impulses.

Some of the ways that I have implemented the work is by creating a plan of action. I know what I worked on, what I went deep and realized, so now it is up to me to be aware of when those old patterns resurface and create change. It isn’t easy, and we are human and slip back into that old behavior, but the awareness is the first step. I meditate, take walks in nature, listen to the birdsong in the morning, I do my best to create a sanctuary in my home (this is the hardest for me), I am mindful when I catch myself casting judgement and redirect or reframe my thoughts, I journal and brain dump, I do the things. I take action. It isn’t about trying anymore, it’s about doing, and having grace.

One of the things that I find the hardest to implement is joy. Doing the things that bring you joy sounds easy, but it is the biggest hurdle I face because it is my nature to feel that I am not deserving of joy, I am not safe to feel joy because people will judge me…sounds so silly to write that, but it is a thing.

One of the things that bring me joy that I used to avoid was playing my guitar and singing, in the last year I have dedicated myself to playing for at least 10 minutes a day, and it is now feeling easier and easier to create space for that in my day to day. I may not be the best guitar player, but it helps me sing, and singing makes me feel free, it is my happy place. I have found this to be a wonderful practice in finding joy for myself.

I had to take a good hard look at the things that I was resisting the most, and if I want more peace in my life, I have to create it by taking action. Manifesting is the first step; it gets you to realize what your desires are. The second step is taking that action and acting as though you already have the thing you desire. So, if what I want is to have a healthier lifestyle, sitting on the couch and waiting for it isn’t going to do it, I must get up, move my body, take the herbs that support me best, eat the way my body wants to eat, and listen when it’s time to rest. I get out of that comfort zone that I had barricaded myself in, and I listen to the inner wisdom within my body, mind and soul.

How do you implement your “work”?

Inner Child Reflection

INNER CHILD REFLECTION

All of life is a series of events and choices that lead to more events and more choices. We are constantly filling our memories with mundane and magical moments, yet we cling to the terrorist trauma because it screams the loudest. We reflect on our childhood wounds but forget to also reflect on the moments of peace and pleasure.

I reflect on the abandonment, the feelings of being invisible and forgotten, the feeling of not being safe because of the company that was kept that was allowed to get close to me and steal my innocence and joy. Witnessing the pain and struggle of my mother who worked tirelessly to raise two wounded souls alone. The fear of seeing him come back in time after time making promises and knowing he would soon break them all. He didn’t know how to love, and she didn’t trust that she was worthy of something better. The words that were said to try and “help” me be perfect only turned into words of disgust for my reflection knowing I would never be good enough because I wasn’t skinny enough, or pretty enough, or I didn’t do enough to make him stay, or her to accept me.

Seeing their kindness to others and how others loved them so dearly made me wonder why the same behavior wasn’t reflected to us at home. I protected her, I consoled her and tried to make life as easy as possible for her because her heart was repeatedly broken and abandoned, because she worked so hard, and while I felt her love, it would disappear in his presence. He tortured us with his narcissism and his emotional and sometimes physical abuse because he wasn’t willing to try harder. He went around searching for love from anyone who would give it to him, leaving a trail of single mothers left to fend for themselves.

I had friends that would come in and I would feel so safe with them, and they too would leave me. It happened over and over again, being left on the outside, being abandoned and forgotten, I was an afterthought. I still long for the types of friendships that I see others experiencing, and so I give, and I give in hopes that they will stay, but my wounds still blaze and I am still left behind.

“It wasn’t all bad” was what I heard from the woman next to me in a sacred plant medicine ceremony. It wasn’t all bad. A lightbulb exploded above me, such a simple phrase but allowed me to see the forgotten moments that felt safe and good. The moments of being with my grandmother, watching her sew outfits, dolls and quilts for me, watching the price is right on her shag carpet while my blind grandfather listened to Patsy Cline and Hank Williams. Seeing the 3-inch ash on my grandmother’s cigarettes while she played solitaire and drank her coffee every morning and made me pancakes. I remember the feeling of connection to nature when I would go to my uncle’s home that sat on a hill overlooking the spring fed pond, with the woods surrounding them.

There were times when I would lay in my mothers lap and she would stroke my hair, when she would make our favorite meals, or when we would play Bonnie Raitt and Stevie Nicks in the car and sing our hearts out. There were times when he would make her happy, or when he would pick us up to take us to a movie or tell a funny story. When I found music and art to be my release, he found something he could connect with me on, he finally accepted me because I could sing.

My childhood was like being in a dark room alone with specks of light peaking in, and now I am choosing to cling to those specs of light, even though there are far fewer moments of light, I am choosing to let them grow bigger, carving out space for the light to shine down on that beautiful little girl who deserved love, safety, peace and joy. The darkness starts to look a little different, I can see them as wounded children seeking love, safety, peace and joy, and through that reflection I can find forgiveness.

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and while the weight of the trauma I had would rock most. I learned how to face it all with love and compassion, I no longer turn away and hide or shove it down to stay silent. I embrace it with loving arms, I embrace her, my little sweet self. Now the darkness isn’t so bad because I am the light. I choose to shine.