Where I began my spiritual journey

People have different reasons for their desire to heal. Mine originally came from a place of my body being in chronic pain, I was depressed, lonely, stuck, and I hated how I looked, really-I hated myself. I wanted to shove down the trauma I grew up with, hold it in, be silent so I didn’t upset anyone, take on the burdens and carry the load so others don’t have to suffer…It made me bitter, and angry, and there was a rage monster that would show its face sometimes too.

Up front I was kind and generous, I was enjoyable to be around because I was always high and wasn’t feeling anything. But under it all, I was screaming. I hid from all the pain I felt and shoved it aside because I didn’t know how to deal with it. My lessons growing up were to sweep it under the rug, don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say, be polite, smile, be kind, be positive, don’t worry, drown yourself in a bottle, fuck and fight and go all night. I learned these behaviors very early on, and they stayed with me, and ate away at my soul.

Eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore and I needed to get better for my son, at the time I was a single mom, and I wasn’t doing a very good job at keeping it together. I was on the struggle bus using alcohol, weed, cocaine, psychedelics, ect….to numb myself. I looked in the mirror one day and did not like what I saw. I wasn’t even in there; it was just an empty shell. I decided right then and there to make some shifts.

I got my massage license and going through school was a huge wakeup call for me. I let go of a lot during that year of body work and energy work, but there was something I was missing. A few years after I became a massage therapist I was at the metaphysical fair with my mom. I saw a woman who didn’t have anyone at her booth and bought my mom a session, I had never experienced it before and thought, well let’s have mom try it first, then I will. I sat and talked with Lori and set up time for my own healing. This set me in motion for the deep healing I was going to experience for the next few years.

That was the beginning of my spiritual awakening. I was called to train in Reiki myself, and I began daily practices with self-reiki. The lightness I felt after I had shed those first layers was life changing, I knew there was something to what my family called, “woowoo”. This was real, and it was unlocking the deep dark corners of my psyche. I was more comfortable letting myself feel the trauma, feel into why I was so angry, and I started to heal and fill those cracks that were left in my heart.

Reiki was the beginning, but certainly not the end. I let go of the drinking, let go of the hard drugs, I started experiencing life sober, which was hard when I performed at bars every weekend and had drugs handed to me left and right. I knew that I needed to become whole again so that I could be a better mother, friend, daughter, sister, and wife, but mostly, a better version of me-for me. It was time I loved myself, and the frequency of love helped heal that emptiness I felt for so long.

Life gets heavy, and I have carried the weight of it all for far too long. I release my pain, I release the weight, I release my breath.