I'm Done Fat Shaming Myself

This notion that I have about being beautiful needs to change. I have spent too much time grieving over a body that I will never have and have spent too much time worrying if others like me, simply based on my appearance. It seems so shallow when I speak this out loud, “I am sad because I hate the way my body looks”. When really, what I am trying to say is, “I am really unhappy with how I am being treated by others and how I am letting that affect me”.

I am someone who always tries to look at all the sides of a problem, always staying objective to people to come up with a balanced opinion. I just chose not to do that with myself.  I chose to beat myself up over my looks, thinking that was the reason for all my problems. Never mind the years of trauma based around my looks as an obese child, or why I was gaining weight at 9 years old. Or overlooking the fact that I stuffed my face with marshmallow cream (not enough for mom to notice because it always leveled out) or spoonful’s of sugar on my cereal. How about a neglectful, absent, addict father, and a mother who thought that looks and sex were the only way to attract a man, (which is not their fault, that was how they were raised). Or how growing up, I was wearing my mother’s clothes in 4th grade? Or being told by people that I have, “such a pretty face, or maybe you’re just big boned?” Obviously, all that shit is…well…bullshit. It is not my story anymore. I set that shit free and released it into the ocean like “Free Willy”.

I have allowed my insecurities ruin almost all my romantic relationships. If a guy didn’t like me back, or maybe just used me for a one-night stand, or maybe intimacy went out the window, or I rejected touch, all of those things were because I thought it was my body or my looks that they didn’t like.

Today I snapped the fuck out of that bullshit story. My body carries me through life, it is my connection from the spiritual world into this physical world, where I created, birthed, and raised tiny humans into men. Where I connect with strangers and hug my friends. Into this plane of existence where I am able to sing and dance, and frolic in the fucking woods tripping on a head full of psychedelics while hugging trees and apologizing to the grass for stepping on it. That body is housing an incredible, loving spirit. How dare I bash it so harshly?!  

NOT TODAY, SON! I know I have a lot of issues to work on when it comes to fully loving my body and gaining confidence. I haven’t trusted my body in a long time, and I was pretty mean to her, so its going to take some time for that relationship to repair. Layer by layer I will peel back the layers of luggage I have been carrying around, and I will learn to trust and love it for all that it is. I will learn to treat her better, to have discussions about what it is that she needs to thrive, what foods she needs, what movement she needs, and to care for her. It isn’t about what other people see me as anymore. I want to feel beautiful and confident. I want my outside to reflect what I am on the inside. I am pure fucking love, you really can’t get anymore beautiful than that.

I still have my darkness, my shadow self, full of frustration, anger, loneliness, and fear. The thing is, I need to love that too. Loving ourselves unconditionally truly means loving all of the parts of ourselves, the darkness and the light.

I am not going to continue going through life fearful of showing my arms, or if my belly rolls are showing. I am too tired of fighting with society, trying to wear the right close for my body type so that I don’t offend people around me. I conformed and lost myself just trying to blend in more. I used to wear pink pants and a care bear shirt—now, that’s some colorful confidence. I used to wear my hair in space buns and have thigh high striped socks on at work...I mean sure I looked batty as hell, but I was having fun!!! When was the last time you just had fun with your clothes? Really just let your self-expression shine through in your outfit. Not worrying if something is in fashion, or if you will fit in, but putting something on your body and feeling joy wearing it?

Being confident in our bodies is knowing that we are not confined by it. We trust our bodies completely and surrender to it. We love all of the flaws unconditionally, because this body is here as a connection to life on this planet. So I am re-writing that story about my intimacy issues, or my parents and their shit they put onto me, I am definitely not going to blame it on my body anymore. This is on me; I am an adult and can choose how I live…I get to choose how I feel about my body. Its not going to be hatred anymore, I can tell you that much.